Lesson Four: The Best Oil for Both Salad and Shirt

Oil is necessary for good cookery and using the wrong oil adds to the inept cookery. When you graduate with your diploma as an Inept Chef First Rank, your oily possibilities expand. But for now, we'll stick with a single oil that is healthy, can be heated pretty hot but not Fry Daddy hot which is dangerous for our kind, is still good enough for a salad... and will come off your shirt quite easily (with the right stain stick).

Pure Olive Oil

The Great Julia Cooking Her Goose

Do not buy Extra Virgin Olive Oil just yet. That is for Second Level Ineptness only. Never ever buy Light Olive Oil *shudders*. One must master the Pure ways of the Primary Olive Oil before gaining the confidence and nunchuck skills necessary to slide confidently from Early to Late Harvest virgin oils

Use Pure Olive Oil with great reverence and confidence as it can be heated without smoking - thereby reducing your need to replace the batteries in the smoke detector. It is fine for salads, and will gradually wean your taste buds away from the unfortunate oily pretenders such as canola.

The Essential Knowledge was passed down through the ages from The Great Julia. *bows head* But, while Her Sacred Texts may be most positive that butter is superior, that's just her opinion... likely she never brushed her goose with the buttery goodness of spring harvest pure extra virgin olive oil.

Lesson Three: Knobs

The burner is one of the most important elements of your stove. If you were to place a pot of water on the stove with the intent of cooking pasta, the water will NOT boil unless you turn the little knob that activates its heating mechanism. These circular objects are located in various places on a stove. Where you will find them depends upon how sneaky the stove manufacturer is. Generally they are engraved with cryptic letters such as Hi and Lo.

The letters are not ancient symbols of greetings among cooks. In the advanced cookery class, we'll discuss what the letters really mean. Yes, this is a little teaser line designed to get you to come back!

For today, just remember - pasta will not boil up in your pot unless the knob is first turned to Hi (not the opposite of Goodbye)... and a pot of water must be placed upon the burner... and the pot must be well watched.

No homework, just go eat a good meal.

Lesson Two - The Stain Stick

Convenience is paramount to the Distracted Chef. The best can be used while you are still wearing the splattered article of clothing. Tide To Go Instant Stain Removers are the the less than focused chef's best friend as you can stab them at your shirt and never have to stop Watching the Pot (see Lesson One for a quick review).

If you own an apron, put a stain removal stick in the pocket. Otherwise place them in drawers all over the kitchen so you never have to search very far when the need arises.

Lesson One - A Watched Pot

A watched pot is much better than a pot that is left on the stove to boil over, covering all the burners in a sticky mess.

Welcome Distracted Friends

It's ok, I know you did not mean to burn it. Yes, you just left for a moment, and got a bit, well, distracted. No, no, no, here let me help. A little dab of stain stick will get that off and do soak that finger in ice water a moment...I don't like that color but the swelling should go down shortly.

Do you have a wooden spoon that can stir things in a pot? Do you have a pot with a lid? How about a microwave? Do you have several stain sticks in case you don't have an apron or simply neglect to wear it? Then you are good to go and can learn to cook stuff, even impressive stuff. Yes, you can do it.

I'll start with a short list of easy to remember rules, a handy guide to things to keep in your pantry, and finally posting simple recipes with short ingredient lists that take no special or strange foods or utensils. They can all be done in only a short amount of time thus minimizing the potential for distraction based disasters. There will be nothing at all complicated and if you want a do-over on any topic - speak up.

Give me a little time to get it all set up, ok? Then we'll be able to...just a minute...have to run! The spaghetti sauce is exploding all over the kitchen cuz I forgot to put the lid on!!!!!!!